


elderflower

by allmadeofstardust



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Character Analysis, Poison, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, glamour springs, it's all quick but it gets kinda graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-25
Updated: 2019-09-25
Packaged: 2020-10-28 07:13:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20774606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allmadeofstardust/pseuds/allmadeofstardust
Summary: Five times Taako thought he was alone.  One time he realized he wasn't.





	elderflower

**Author's Note:**

> Major warning for suicide/suicidal ideation here, folks. Take care of yourselves.

i - Taako had met Sazed at one of his first shows.

In the early days, carrying the whole thing on just one back was a bit strenuous, and he struggled to get farther than a few miles in any direction.

Then Sazed came along. They expressed their delight in Taako's cooking, but Taako was impressed not by the fan service but by Sazed's own cooking. They made dishes that smelled amazing, and Taako hired them on the spot.

Their good looks didn't hurt either.

The show spread, now that there was someone else. Someone Taako could rely on.

Something in the back of his mind tickled, with a sense of deja vu, when he thought of that. Like he hadn't always been alone.

He shrugged it off. Sure he _ had _ been alone. But now he had someone else. That was the feeling. His brain recognizing the fresh new sensations. They felt good.

Sazed and him grew close, over time. They memorized each other's patterns in the kitchen, moving around each other seamlessly. They talked for hours as they rode to their next gig, joking around about Taako's disasters while he was cooking in his early days, taking turns coming up with stories of their audience members.

The conversation turned serious, sometimes. Sazed opened up about their childhood, the things they ran away from. Taako stayed silent, for a time. Just listened. Offered a caring word here and there. He couldn't get too attached, yet something in him wanted to.

They were performing for a larger crowd one day, and thoughts of Sazed were distracting him. He zigged when he should have zagged, and suddenly the plate of food he was holding had shattered beneath him, but Taako stayed upright, caught gracefully by Sazed's strong arms. They looked at each other, crowd and food forgotten, before Sazed leaned down and pressed their lips against Taako's. He froze for about three seconds before leaning into it, responding with enthusiasm, running his hands through Sazed's hair.

A cheer went up from the crowd, and Taako broke apart from Sazed long enough to give a wink to the audience before shutting the window, leaving the two of them alone in the caravan.

"Taako, I - I know you're not - "

Taako held a finger to their lips.

"I'm gonna stop you right there, kemosabe, because this?"

He gestured to all of Sazed.

"Is gonna have to get a _ lot _ better at kissing if you're gonna take this sweet snack -"

He gestured to himself.

"- to town, you copy?"

Sazed hesitated.

"So... you're not angry?"

"Oh shut the fuck up, you dumb -"

Taako pressed them against the wall and kissed them again, deeply this time, and it was _ nice _.

_ This was so nice. _

Who cared what had happened before now? Now he had someone, someone kind, someone caring, someone who was a fucking _ phenomenal _kisser.

The next morning, after waking up beside Sazed in the tiny, tiny bed Taako called his own, Taako was filled with happiness he hadn't felt in a very long time.

Later that morning, after the two of them had gotten dressed and made out a bit more, they sat in the driver's seat, together, gazing at the road that lay ahead.

"Y'know," Taako began. He was holding Sazed's hand. "I used to be so fucking lonely."

Sazed raised an eyebrow and nodded, offering support.

"I made the rounds growing up, jumped from place to place, never sticking around. But I never had anyone."

He sighed casually, like he hadn't spilled his life's secrets to someone. He looked over at Sazed.

"You're a breath of fresh air, homie."

ii - Things between Taako and Sazed were strained at best, and Taako hated it.

He hated how he felt every time Sazed gave him the cold shoulder, he felt even worse when they talked to Taako like nothing had ever happened, as if there wasn't a sting of bitterness in their voice.

Taako didn't _ do _ relationships, and this was why - because in the end, he'd fuck it all up.

Sazed was driving tonight, offering so Taako could get some sleep. It was a gesture of kindness that felt almost cold.

Taako stared at the ceiling of the caravan, trying to sort all the shit out in his head. He felt torn and twisted up inside. Felt like things were simultaneously his fault and also all Sazed's.

He felt like he needed to do something for them. He hated that the idea suggested it was _ his _ own mistake that needed fixing, but part of Taako knew it was. He always drove people away. It was what he was good at. Being alone.

Taako shook his head. He couldn't leave Sazed behind in the dust. There used to be something good in the relationship. Something fresh and nice and loving. Maybe he could salvage it.

Sazed liked simple food. They had always liked Taako's cooking, but often they would make a simple sandwich or buy some fucking McNuggets at Fantasy McDonald's. Taako had teased them that they were secretly repulsed by his cooking, but Sazed had always promised they would eat anything Taako cooked. That was a few weeks ago.

There was a tavern in Glamour Springs that served fish and chips with a nice mug of ale. It wouldn't be a date. It'd be an olive branch.

The show was first thing in the morning. It'd be a short one, and then he'd take Sazed out. Shoot the shit. Apologize.

_ God _ Taako wasn't used to this. But he owed it to Sazed. He wanted to see them smile again.

*****

They pulled into town and there was already a crowd forming. News of their arrival had come early, apparently, and Taako took in the cheers as Sazed parked the caravan. They smiled at the turnout, before heading to the back to prep ingredients.

Taako basked in the glory for a few moments more, his eyes subconsciously trailing after Sazed as they disappeared around the corner.

They didn't reappear as the show began, and Taako sighed. It wasn't as if he hadn't done this solo before. Everyone loved his flashes and tricks and stupid little details. Somehow, today, to Taako they felt flat. Lifeless. But the audience liked it enough to keep him going. Keep him smiling.

Sometimes, the crowds, the groups of nameless people, were Taako's lifeline. Because for one small moment, it felt like he was actually loved.

Sazed returned halfway through the show, mouth drawn in a thin line. Taako finished his current movements before turning briefly towards them.

"Hey, uh, pass me the saffron?" It was the best he could do. He was being watched by forty people.

Sazed seemed to snap out of a daze.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, sure. Here."

There wasn't any liveliness to their mannerisms, like there had been not a month ago. Taako took the spice gingerly and set it down, turning away.

A few minutes later, Sazed was gone again.

Taako's mind wandered. He ran through the motions on autopilot, smiling and waving and playing the crowd, but his heart was focused on Sazed, on what he should say to them, on what would make this better, the way things used to be.

He garnished the chicken with the elderflower berries without a second thought.

He handed the samples out before tasting them. Without thinking.

_ Why didn't he think _?

It took a few minutes for it to happen, and by then the show was over, Taako was behind the caravan.

"Sazed?" he called. "Look, I just - can we just go get a drink? It'd be just us, us two against -"

The sounds haunted his dreams after that. The gurgling screams, the haggered coughing.

He ran back to the front, to the crowd, to his _ fans _ . He saw them, one by one, as they crumpled, as they fell lifeless, clutching at their throats. There was foam bubbling up from their mouths and blood, oh _ gods _ the blood, escaping their lips as they tried to breathe, as they struggled, all of them struggled, to stay alive.

"_ Sazed!" _Taako screamed, his voice inhuman to his ears. He stumbled backwards, tripped, fell, like everyone, everyone he'd - 

"_ Sazed!!" _He sounded like a scared child, and he found he was crying, as the noises continued, endlessly, without remorse.

Sazed appeared, looking horrified, and without a word they were climbing, while Taako collapsed inside the caravan, the smell of garlic still in the air, mixing with the bile and filth and _ blood. _

He felt the caravan jolt, felt it moving too quickly. He was seeing red, there was nothing but _ red _ as the sounds faded away as they ran and ran and ran like Taako always had, _ what had he done. _

_ What had he done. _

  


iii - Taako was hungry, and the thought made him sick.

It had been about two hours since Sazed had left. They had bolted as soon as they parked the caravan. Taako didn't even have a chance to see them. Taako had still been inside - terrified, rocking, shaking - when he heard the footsteps from above. Pounding and merciless, before he heard Sazed land on the ground and take off running before Taako could make it to the door.

_ They don't want to have anything to do with you. _ Taako bit at the thought, tried to throw it away, stuff it down. _ You're a murderer. _

So Taako was sitting, curled up near a giant boulder, the caravan nearby. He didn't want to look at it.

Sazed knew who he was. Everyone knew who he was now. Forty people weren't going to go unnoticed. There would be people sent after him. Taako almost had a mind to go to them willingly, submit to whatever punishment they thought fit, but he couldn't, he _ wouldn't _ , because he _ couldn't _ have done those things, couldn't have killed those people, but he _ did _ , he _ had _, he had seen their faces.

He was alone, again, and this time he felt it deep in his chest - that feeling that in another life, in another time, he wasn't so alone. He couldn't remember it. It hurt to even try. So it was just a hazy feeling, a dream. Dreams weren't worth shit against cold hard reality. A reality where people were dead. A reality where Taako had killed them.

_ There isn't any point anymore. _

Frantically, almost without thinking, he shot to his feet and rummaged through what food remained in the caravan. He pushed aside garlic and cloves and week old decaying carrots (everything was decaying, everything was rotten) until he found what he wanted. What he needed.

He carefully placed the berries on a small plate, delicately sprinkled them with some sugar, garnished with mint. He might as well have some class in his final moments.

He transmuted them the way he had back in town. The way he knew how he'd killed.

_ Murderer. Selfish cocky vain murderer _.

He wanted to scream at the words in his head, tell them to leave, tell them to get out. But they were speaking the truth, and he couldn’t handle it anymore, and suddenly he had the berry in his hand, the garnish and flair forgotten, brought it close until it was brushing his lips.

How fitting, he thought, to die the way his victims had died. Nobody would miss him. Not anymore.

He moved to take the bite and suddenly his memories were screaming, pulling him towards something that felt so incredibly unnaturally close yet so, so damn far. He dropped the berry in shock, it went rolling across the forest floor, and he would have chased after it were it not for the searing pain in his head, like something somewhere far away was trying to claw its way out.

He cried out, curled into a ball, waited for it to stop. And it did. Slowly subsiding until the pain retreated, leaving traces, ghost-like, of memories that weren't his, they couldn't be his, because he was alone, alone, always and forever.

"I'm sorry," he whispered through tears at the unnamed mysterious presence that were his fucking memories. "I just want…"

_ Peace? A rest from the endless nightmarish visions of people dying, of red, red blood and of foaming mouths and twitching bodies. _

"I can't live with that," he spat, bitter and angry and hurt and confused and alone, so _ fucking _ alone.

The berries had fallen, but it would be so easy to make another batch. Just a wave of a hand, it was childishly simple, really, and -

It was as if something had moved into his soul. It was an unwelcome, foreign feeling, but it was persistent.

_ Don't you dare _ it seemed to say, over and over again until Taako felt like he might burst. _ You're going to live, and you're going to be okay _.

He laughed wildly at that. Like anything about this shitfest would make things remotely okay. But there was something so brutally and fundamentally strong about the feeling formed from his lack of _ fucking _ memories that he felt like he had to listen. Had to meet its demands.

If Taako had had any family left in this miserable world, he would have thought the feeling came from just that. His aunt, come to scold him. A distant cousin, come to reason.

A sister.

His head was hurting again.

He was still hungry.

iv - Taako was in a kitchen.

It was the first time he had been in one in a _ very _ long time. It had been years since Glamour Springs, but he had avoided them nonetheless.

He wanted to make something. There was a party coming up. It had been forever and a day since he had been to any sort of social gathering. Nobody really wanted to hang out with cha'boy when he was a - 

Taako bit his lip and looked over what he had at his disposal. Baking supplies. Yeah, that sounded right. Keep it safe, keep it simple. Sweets never hurt anyone.

He knew a recipe for macarons from ages ago, a somewhat complicated process that resulted in some baller cookies.

He took a deep breath and got to work. He always loved baking. It felt closer to home. The smell of things baking in the oven always brought up feelings of warmth and comfort from days that he couldn't remember, and he always clung to it. It was good to feel loved when baking something that required love.

The cookies baking, he got to work on the frosting. _ Elderflower _.

He seized up, his breath racing. Red, _ red, _ the sound of death, _ murderer, murderer _.

Taako growled and snapped at the memory. It was long ago. He knew what he was doing this time. He wouldn't make any stupid mistakes.

_ Would he? _

He bit his lip, measured the ingredients, pointedly ignored the racing thoughts, the ruthless memories.

When he finished them, the macarons sitting prettily on a plate, he stared at them, breathing hard and fast. He was terrified, fearful of his own creation.

_ Only one way to find out _.

He figured if he died here, it would be poetically just. Killed by his cooking, the way he'd killed everyone else.

He took a cookie in his hand, brought it to his mouth. Might as well. It wasn't like anyone would miss him.

He took a small bite, just a nibble. It tasted amazing.

Taako waited. Nothing happened.

Something in the back of his mind, one of those phantom memories, seemed to sigh in relief.

He did too.

Smiling slightly, he took the plate, put on his best hat, and headed towards the party.

v - He didn't want to be here.

The Chalice must have loved torture, because this, this was the epitome of it. June never showed the aftermath. Just froze the memory on Taako serving the chicken. And Taako couldn't stand it. He fell to his knees, curled in on himself, dragging the brim of his hat down around him, as if it were shielding him from the _ red, blood, screams _ \- 

June offered a hand.

"Come with me," she said.

Taako took it without thinking, and then she was leading him around the corner. And there was Sazed.

They were bent over, running frantic fingers through their hair. Taako almost moved to reach out to them, to comfort them, but June held him back and pointed at the bottle in their hands.

_ Arsenic _.

Taako recoiled back in shock. June's words faded out as a roar sounded through his ears, disbelief and betrayal and anger and hurt all mixing into one big ball of emotion that was choking him, eating him alive.

June didn't seem to notice, and Taako found himself being led back out to the front, to the food, to the crowd of forty that were being poisoned. Not by Taako. By Sazed.

June stopped talking. She held up the chalice for effect, then paused. Waited.

He couldn't think, couldn't _ breathe _. Sazed had been good to him, been kind. They were close. Taako never threw the word "love" around lightly, but he figured there had been some sort of affection there.

_ Jealousy _. It was the word June had used.

He had tried to make it better. He had been an asshole. Sure, Sazed was the one who poisoned the food. But Taako had been the one to push them away.

He wasn't about to blame himself. That wasn't how Taako do. But he felt the betrayal in his gut, felt like they had poisoned _ him _.

_ Oh god. He hadn't tried the chicken. _

The realization hit him like a monstrous wave, drowning him. What was he thinking, getting close to someone like he had? They all left in the end. Left him behind. Hurt him, tried to fucking kill him.

June seemed insistent, so he let her take him to the table, where his friends (his_ friends) _ sat. He looked at each of them. Would they try killing him if they thought it was beneficial to them? Would they throw him aside, like all the others?

He laughed and joked about the Chalice because that's what he _ did _ , that's how he dealt with shit like this. He didn't _ do _ emotions, and this was why. People would always leave him, hurt him, betray him. He would always push people away.

He would always be alone.

*****

vi - Lup was sitting on a kitchen counter, licking a wooden spoon.

Taako snatched it out of her hand desperately, bringing it down close to his chest.

"Hey!" she complained. "What's the big deal, I was just sampling your delicious soup!"

Taako didn't answer. Just put the spoon down and kept focusing on the boiling mixture inside the saucepan.

"Ko?" Lup said softly, peering closely at her brother. "Something up?"

Taako flashed a false smile.

"Don't want you tasting it before it's done, Lulu!"

Lup nabbed the spoon back before Taako could protest and held it out like a wand.

"Taako, this isn't the first time you've acted like this, and you're an idiot if you think I'm not gonna pester the hell out of you for the real story. Now spill."

Taako sighed. He turned off the burner and gently took the spoon back from his sister.

"It's a long story."

"Well, make it shorter, then."

Taako chuckled, but the sound was hollow. He took a deep breath.

"I knew this person, we were together, I was an asshole to them, and they got revenge by poisoning my entire audience, trying to kill me, then running away and pinning it all on me."

Lup was silent. Taako buried his face in his hands.

"It's not important," he mumbled. "It was a long time ago, it wasn't really a big deal, I just -"

"Taako," Lup said, her voice sterner than he'd ever heard it. "Why the _ fuck _ didn't you tell me?"

"Because it doesn't matter."

"It sure as _ hell _ does!"

"Lup, I didn't know you _ existed _ ! I thought I was alone for my whole life. So when they got close and I drove them away, it was what had always happened, it was all I could remember, and I'm _ sorry _ that I felt like I deserved it!"

There were tears, tears he did _ not _ want, not in front of Lup, and he furiously wiped at his face, sniffed loudly, trying not to lose it before his fucking _ sister _. His sister who he had missed, forgotten. The person that let him know he wasn't alone. Not ever.

Lup was staring at him, blinking, her face full of sympathy, and on any other person Taako would have run away, shoved them off. But this was _ Lup _.

"Taako," she said calmly. "You don't deserve to be treated like that. You know that, right?"

Taako looked away.

"Yeah. Whatever."

Lup slid off the counter and embraced him, and he struggled to maintain composure.

"You were still there, y'know," he mumbled into her shoulder. "I could still feel you in my fucked up memories. You stopped me before I could -"

He cut himself off, trying to keep his lowest point a secret, but Lup knew. He prepared himself for a diatribe, but Lup just held him tighter, and now the waterworks were breaking their damn, and he cried quietly into her shirt. She held him close.

"Taako?" she asked after a few moments.

He made a small noise in response.

"What happened to them?"

Taako laughed quietly.

"Coward turned themselves in a few weeks ago."

Lup hummed into the air.

"Hmm. Okay then."

He knew that voice. He pushed himself away and looked her in the eye.

"Sis, don't do anything fucking stupid."

Lup gave him a shit-eating grin.

"Oh, trust me, bro. It's not stupid in the slightest."

She turned back to the soup, which had gone cold. She gently picked up the spoon again.

"Can I -?"

Taako bit his lip. He grabbed the spoon and tasted the soup himself first. He smiled at the flavor and handed the spoon back to Lup.

"Knock yourself out, Lulu."


End file.
